The Great Contradiction: I Want To Go Back To College

I don't know what's scarier: The fact that I've almost completed four years of undergrad or that I am now in search of a real job that is supposed to support me in "real life". I'm sure it isn't just me. Like many of my classmates graduating this year, we are probably pondering the same thing and the process goes a bit like this:

Stage 1 - Blissful, Heart-bursting Excitement: It's the end of finals week and you're like, "WHOO HOO! Graduation! Last class ever! Last paper ever! Last exam of college EVER!" 

Stage 2 - Disbelief/Denial: You're sitting in your chair during commencement, on your smart phone updating your Facebook status or Twiter and you write, "Is it just me or does anyone else feel like we just graduated from high school? #classof2013 #graduated #startedfromthebottomnowwehere #yolo" (or something dumb like that).

Stage 3 - Realization Kicks In: "Oh crap, I am officially done with college. All that academia took up nearly 15 years of my life! Sweet. I'm free! No wait, what the heck am I supposed to do now??!!"

Okay, maybe it's just me and I feel like this but actually I'm still in school here in China until June, suckas! Or wait... maybe I'm the sucker. Anyway, for all of you who have just graduated, congratulations! I hope you had an amazing however many years you spent at your respective schools. I know I did and am still having a blast - I almost don't want it to end! Millersville was awesome for me and I thoroughly enjoyed my time on campus as well as off. Hard to believe I started off as a biology major only to change it to some hidden passion I didn't even quite fully understand until almost halfway through college.
The last four years have given me the freedom to travel to about six different countries, experience several different cultures, eat all different types of food, and learn so many things I could never have learned in the class room (cliche but true!)*. You know, sometimes I wish I could start all over again and do something totally different without losing all the years or getting any older. It would be like going back in time in the Tardis or wearing that clock thinger that Hermione wore in the third book of the Harry Potter Series...Nerd alert.

But honestly, you DON'T have to immediately start working the moment you get out of school. If you have the money, travel! Take the time to relax, read for pleasure and not feel guilty about it, hang out with your parents and family - I'm sure they've missed you over the last few years. Explore your options (you can still job search, of course)! Obviously, I'm not an expert and I'm sure the few professionals reading this are most likely shaking theirs heads in disapproval but you know.... YOLO.

Just kidding.

And truthfully, as excited as I am to be done I am quite frightened. I mean, I'm just trying to simply live my life here in Asia and I still face challenges and reoccurring culture shock. I can hardly think about what life will be like once I return stateside. However, I know everything will work out in the end as long as I put my trust in the Big Guy Upstairs and allow Him to guide me wherever I go.

Cheers,

e.Li

*I should note that I commuted for my first three years of school and won a bunch of scholarships I applied for in order to save money so I was able to travel during my breaks and summers off.

lists

So after my rather grumpy night last night, I decided to wake up this morning and grab a Chinese breakfast in the most hole-in-the-wall place near campus. I was hoping that doing this would help spark and rekindle the love I have for china but it just resulted in dau bung (stomach ache). To be honest, I thought it was more funny than anything. my stomach did not feel that way, however, and I'm pretty it was angry with me, screaming, "Why would you do such a thing? Those were the greasiest noodles ever! They were practically swimming!"

Anyway, the weather has cooled down and its much less stuffy and humid than it was yesterday. I decided to work from my room, on my bed instead of wasting money at the overpriced Starbucks in Hong Gu Tan. I only have a little less than 2 months here in china so I'm trying to make the best of it before I leave. I'm sad to be leaving my friends here. I need to get out of Nanchang and explore some place new! 

So a couple weeks ago I wrote a list in my iPhone consisting of things that I've learned so far. Here it is, the rough draft:

What I've learned being on my own and living in China and other goals:

- you need God 

- Keep an open mind in whatever you do, especially cross-culturally and with work

- be culturally sensitive

- God first, always

- family first (after God), always

- Get a job

- Give mom and dad $100 month even just as a little gift. It's the least you can do, really

- help family in Vietnam

- pray often, love others 

- don't give up, strive for the best and remember its about the experience, learning and growth 

- sing as much as you can 

- it's ok to be down sometimes 

- be yourself but know yourself most of all 

- learn from mistakes but don't dwell on the past 

- live simply and budget!!!!

- travel is mind-opening!

Pretty standard. I'll make a more in depth list soon. 

- e. Li

the undergraduate

I'll be honest, I am pretty sad about missing out on commencement this year. I mean, this is the year that I graduate from college, after all. I went through the four years of schooling, I worked for that degree - I also want to partake in this right of passage. I could care less about sitting through a lengthy speech by someone I don't even recognize or waiting for hundreds of other names to be pronounced before mine. However, I do want to experience what many college grads do in this time of the season. I want to take pictures alongside my classmates and close friends from MU, especially my InterVarsity girls! I want to stand between my parents with their smiles signifying the last of the Krajan kids finishing college, the last of the first generation to be born in the States. Albeit, I would never give up this opportunity in China just to walk across the stage and shake someone's hand for a piece of paper but with all these statuses and pictures of friends graduating within the next few weeks I am a bit jealous. Jealous because I feel like I am missing out. Especially when I still have nearly two more months of school left.

I won't cry over it, though. I'll be home soon enough and I can celebrate a year well spent in another country, celebrate another four years of wonderful experiences including three consecutive years with time spent in Asia and then some. Maybe by the time I come home I can also celebrate the acceptance of my first job if all goes well with this interview on Monday. Maybe within the first few weeks of being home I'll even get the unsettling feeling of wanting to leave again. Praying everything goes well and within His plans, though.
As my friend Eli said, "There's good ideas and then there's God ideas."

So, enough venting. I know I've been in a weird mood lately and I've been getting more and more homesick. I don't want to dwell on how much I miss home and my family but I want to live up the last two months I have here in China before this journey comes to an end. It is a journey. I've learned so much about myself and who I am within these last several months. I've grown a different sort of independence that I appreciate so much more. I mean, how many single, 22 year old females do you know to travel China on her own? I'll keep it humble, though. I just feel extremely blessed.

I would finish this post with some pictures from my rad weekend in SH but my computer won't read the USB connected to my iPhone. Darn you, technology.

lizzy

I miss hugs and I miss holding hands with people. Since living in China I've come to realize that I miss the love language of "physical touch". It sounds weird but everyone needs some love in a different form or medium, I guess. So, I'm sorry in advance if I get super clingy when I come home.

Today was probably one of the most dreary days I've had since being here. I don't know why but my homesickness hasn't eased up a whole lot. I've never missed home so much as I have been lately. It's killer. It's crazy talk but I miss cleanliness, organization, and community. Maybe I'm just now getting culture shock, which is weird. At the same time, I can't believe I only have about 2 more months left here! It's so bittersweet, I don't even want to think about the emotional toll it will have on me when I actually do leave. Well, the hope is to come back after the summer but who knows? Still in need of a ton of prayer.

Today, Ellie and I and two Chinese buddies worked on our project for Social Welfare Policy and interviewed some migrant workers on old-age insurance and social stuff. I'm so thankful for those two girls because they put so much work into the project that isn't even theirs! Anyway, I guess actually being exposed to what life is like for those workers put me in a weird mood. We visited a couple construction sites and it was just an ugly day. The sky was grey and the scenery just as colorless.

I think that took a lot out of me because I came home afterward and slept for another hour. I don't know why I felt so exhausted. I did have enough energy afterwards to run 4 miles, which was good but I think my knees are pissed off at me now.

Well, I'd write more but Starbucks is closing and I have to head home! Starbucks has become my new "Western getaway". Ellie and I have been coming here maybe once a week to do work and get a semblance of America.

But I still love China.

Lizzy

transition

I am surprised at myself with how terrible I've been with updating my blog. Thus, I've decided to do away with the China blog and just write in my "personal" one. I mean, how personal can it be when it's the internet? You can still access my former blog on China via the link at the bottom of the page beneath the caption "Other Sites" under "lizzygoestoChina (2012-13)".

The point of doing this is to motivate me to write more before my time here in Nanchang officially comes to an end, which is approaching rather quickly considering it's already April. I graduate university when I finish school here at the end of June. It's hard to believe how fast the last four years of my life have flown by! I suppose I'll inform everyone as to what's been going on in my life and what's been on my mind lately:

I'm just about halfway through my final semester here at JUFE. I'm trying hard to focus on my studies and to really improve my Mandarin before I head back to the States. This semester is moving so much faster than the last I feel like I have so little time! I am currently taking two Chinese courses - reading and writing - and a class on Social Welfare Policy in China. I enjoy all three of these courses and I've just registered for an online TEFL/TESOL course so I can be English teaching certified by the time I come home!

I've been keeping busy with practicing my guitar and singing but I've been having so much trouble writing new songs lately. The melodies and words just aren't syncing up. So, I started reading more for writing inspiration, which has been a wonderful boost and is just plain enjoyable. Right now I'm reading Ernest Hemingway's A Movable Feast and I am re-reading Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby. Incredible writers. I don't know why or how but I am once again falling in love with the character of Nick Carraway. I don't know what it is about his character that I like so much - he's pretty arrogant if you think about it.

I've also been working out a lot more. Originally I was following this running plan to train for a half marathon until I realized I don't actually want to run that much. I have no half marathon to actually train for and, to be honest, I really dislike running in China. The pollution is awful and there are no trails or nature where I am. But I still run a good amount and try to hit up the track 5 times a week. I'm just trying harder to eat healthier. Not gonna lie, I've gained a bit of weight here, especially over the break. Hopefully the coming warmer weather will also help me get back in gear. I haven't gotten in the water since I left Lancaster back in August. I've never gone this long without swimming in years, like, ever since I was a freshman in high school back in 2005. Aiight, now I'm getting too personal but maybe this will keep my accountable so I don't end up coming home fat to America.

Speaking of America, I've been missing home terribly. TERRIBLY. Honestly, I've never felt more excited to go home than within the last couple of weeks. I used to get sad when people would say that were so ecstatic to go back to their respective countries. Why? Why do you want to leave this place when there's so much more life to live here? But now, I'm starting to understand a little better. Don't get me wrong, my perspective on that hasn't changed. I want to continue living here in China for at least another year but oh my goodness, I've never wanted to go back to Lancaster this badly. I'm homesick but it's not an ache or an uncomfortable pain. It's just a huge desire to be back in a place that I miss so much. Not even just Lancaster but all the wonderful places in America. That's right, I just said "wonderful places in America." This is what living in China does to you, folks. Really though- coffee, diners, New York City, bookstores, cafes, friends, green grass, open fields, stars, cheap western food... the list goes on. Even my desire to travel down South and explore has been rekindled. All of the sudden I want to live in Chicago! I haven't been there since I was three years old!

All in due time, though. I might end up stuck in Asia for a while if that's the Father's plans. Or even Africa! Who knows?

Well, I guess this post is long enough. Brain numbing enough, too, I'm sure. Next post I'll try to keep it more stimulating and less like a Xanga post. I'll throw in some photos to keep ya'll entertained.

Love,
e.Li

My room, which I adore!

Dis my hood, doe!

 





 



 

 This, too.

And this is me!

victims of our own design

we all so easily romanticize ourselves.
trust me, i do it all the time.

i understand the desire, the dream to disappear and dissolve in the sky.

if you wrote about myself

her face wasn't particularly pretty. she had almond-shaped eyes that were brown in color, a round nose, and full-lips. the left side of her head was buzzed, the right side longer and layered. her nearly black hair was cut short and stopped just below her ears, revealing her neck and collar bone when she wore low collared shirts. she said she wanted to create her own look and that she felt more confident with short hair than long tresses.

she had a tattoo on her upper left forearm. it said "ephemera" in black, cursive-like script.
"it means something of no lasting significance. tattoos are ink in permanence but our bodies are temporary. our souls last forever. it's also a poem by W.B. Yeats." 

and i loved her. i loved her because she was honest; because she was real. she was true to herself, or so i hoped she was.

yet she was something of no lasting significance.

breathe in me every reason for my being

“It will not do to say that you have no special call to go to China. With these facts before you and with the command of the Lord Jesus to go and preach the gospel to every creature, you need rather to ascertain whether you have a special call to stay at home.” - Hudson Taylor

i don't know if things are coming together but i do know that i would like to serve the urban poor in shanghai.
God, if there is a way, please help me. guide me in this; make clear your path and plan for me. your will is no secret but you reveal yourself in mysterious ways. speak to me, Lord, so that i may hear your voice. help me to be silent so that i do not hinder you from doing your work here and your work in me.

come what may.